Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

bat life

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.