Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like one of these would kill a European

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

i have one speed and it’s mosey

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.

Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.

Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.

Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.

Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

I’m not homophobic, I love my house!

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.