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ME: not today satan
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet