Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

😂😂

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar