Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

[meeting my gf’s parents]

gf: just please be serious

me: ok

[later]

gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now

me: I DID MY WAITING

gf: oh no

me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT

gf: please

me: IN AZKABAN

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?