Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??