Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
buys donuts instead
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”