Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow