Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
you’re not fooling anyone
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me sliding into hell like
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
the #horror is real!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.