Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge