Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?