Facebook marketplace is a different world
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excuse me
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”