Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.

I’ve been learning to cook.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.