Facebook marketplace is a different world
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.