Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

Costco ….

Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….

and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar