Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

bugs when you lift up a rock

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids