Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them