[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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