Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.