@GrantTanaka

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

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@AmericanGent69

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

@lisaOoOo

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

@TheSofiya

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

@HelloJessicaFox

I’m going to visit a dairy farm and pet all the cheeses and see if they’ll eat out of my hand.

@girl_a_whirl

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

@Brianhopecomedy

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.