@GrantTanaka

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

@Rollinintheseat

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

@mom_ontherocks

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

@lovemydogduck

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

@mooodles

‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.

@thatUPSdude

Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”

@druuuck

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@ibid78

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days