Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*