Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

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When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.


Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”


Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?


My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.


‘My train was late’ should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.


Things never heard before sex,

“Wait let me take off my crocs first”


*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*


“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”


DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days