Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
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Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Sponch
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y