I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie