Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Wow 🤣
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*