Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
the noise i just made
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use