Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
You Might Also Like
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.