Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
So sorry
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles