Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo