Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Sponch
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?