Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
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Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
sleeping beauty
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.