Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Social Media and Real life

I’m having an out of money experience.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

monday

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

Bed should get ready for ME