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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there