Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

Tuesday

JUMP

ING

UP

AND

DOWN

ON

THE

TRAMP

O

LINE

OUT

SIDE

YOUR

WIN

DOW

IS

NOT

HOW

I

WANT

ED

TO

BREAK

UP

WITH

YOU

KAR

EN

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

yes yes a thousand times yes!

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

we’re dead?

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @