Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Good point.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi