Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Driving in Europe vs Canada

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety