Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?