Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!