Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

airing out the snack pack

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!