Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

shit, they caught us—run!!!