Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: