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Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
i hope my email finds you on fire
The glockness monster
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
i did the math
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[montage of me giving-up]
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir