Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis