Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
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Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.