Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

This kinda thing happens to me often

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir