Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

I fixed it. For me

Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult