Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.