Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working