Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

new year update: losing everything but weight

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.