Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic