Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”