Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”