Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.