Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

In space, no one can hear…

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening