Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

#Caturday

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN