Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Me: *leans in for a kiss

CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L