Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Last-minute gift idea!

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

🤣

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.