Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
roses are red
i fall when i skate
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Does beer think about me too?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
This took me a second..
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
