Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO