Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Tony Hawk, age 6
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”