Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated