Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

And then there were 4

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Nice try, poison.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

I bet