Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never stop laughing at this

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

That was easy.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”