Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

[Interview]

Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!

Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.