Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Customer is always right

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

reviewed some movies recently

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.