Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.