Facebookās forever reminding me about peopleās birthdays like I sell cakesšš.
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving ā and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: thatās not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and youāre doing great *gives him a raisin*
[having heart attack] HELPā¦CANāTā¦MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALLā¦MEā¦Aā¦DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
On some level Iāve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Iām not like most teenage girls. Iām a forty-one year old man
Millennial: OMG, you donāt even know how to make a gif? Thatās so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, letās do this shit
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. Youāre a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and itās had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: iāll let you go if you just please stop talking
Theyāre a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
*internal alarmā¦awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
āI need a car. What do you have?ā
āWell, we have a Subaru Outbackā
āBut what kind of Subaru?ā
āOutbackā
āI donāt CARE where you keep itā¦ā
stand with me against insufficient seating
Normalize saying āthe endā when you want a conversation to be over
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but theyāre not making any sense
Him: Iām an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who donāt do drugs.
āHOBBIESā
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in youāll regret it later.