Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese