Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.