Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes馃槖馃槖.
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It鈥檚 like all of my wife鈥檚 friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Him: I don鈥檛 believe I caught your name.
Her: I don鈥檛 believe I threw it.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
After Jaws, I wouldn鈥檛 go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn鈥檛 eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I鈥檇 seen the Omen before having kids.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we鈥檙e destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other鈥檚 shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
me: do you mind i can鈥檛 go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don鈥檛 know what to tell you
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
[Bush鈥檚 Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I鈥檓 waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Is your wife single?
Son: I鈥檓 scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I鈥檓 wearing right now, apparently.