Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

same energy

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.