Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is uni

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

This January has 47 Mondays

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.