Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

me choking on my own saliva for no reason.

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Good morning y’all ☀️

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999