Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Nice try, NASA

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.