Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Jogging
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”