Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.