Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
peep davidson
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.