Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.