Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

How does one answer this?

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!