Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

If you breakdance you buy dance.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name