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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
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Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I wish I could veto my bills.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m not proud